Sunday, March 31, 2002
i decided i was sick of looking at myself every time i checked up on this page, so i took down my picture and put up a link to it instead. and, oh yeah, it's the original untouched by photoshop version. view it in all its glory.

i had a completely unproductive day today. didn't get home from that easter event i worked at til like 3pm. then i just had to sleep, cuz, damn, 8am is just too early. and then after my nap, of course i didn't feel like doing anything. so i didn't. i did go to a movie w/ tina and emily, tho, that mexican one that i had been wanting to see for a while, y tu mama tambien. i liked it, altho i would caution against seeing it w/ anyone other than people you feel really comfortable with. definitely not something i would watch w/ my parents, or on a date, even. pretty racy stuff!

i feel surprisingly good today. i've had many conversations with peeps, had many kind words said to me, been taking things in stride. this blog's helped a lot, too, i think. writing is so therapeutic. i still feel kinda sad, it still really hurts. but i think the worse is over. i guess there's no way it could have gotten any worse than it was wednesday night. it's probably a good thing that i just let it all overtake me that night...embraced all the pain instead of trying to push it away. it forced me to deal with it, or something like that. i don't know. but i know it hasn't felt that intense since then, and i guess i just gotta let time do its thing now, like many of you have pointed out. thanks again to everyone who's been reaching out, even though i may not even know you very well (like tyler!). how much do i love this blog community that's sprung up?!? yep yep. i love my blog! =)

posted at 2:50 AM

Friday, March 29, 2002

now playing: pete yorn, musicforthemorningafter

awww...thanks for your post, jen. you rock my socks, too! =) but no, i think i need to stay away from dashboard for a while. it just hits too close to home right now. pete yorn is good for me, i think. a good mix of mellow, kinda sad songs w/ some more upbeat stuff. it'll keep me from getting too sad.

i do feel somwhat better, tho. i still have that general feeling of sadness, but it's not as acute as that first god-awful night. again, thanks to all you guys that are helping me through this. it means a lot. i think i'm done with the crying, too. well...for the most part. i have to admit, i had a *moment* in the shower this morning.

last night wasn't so bad, either. it wasn't as depressing as i thought it would be, but i still wasn't feeling it. i tried to chat up some guys to help out emily, but even then, it was just eh. i was proud of her, tho. she did a good job of talking to a bunch of different guys, although, no numbers. =( i don't think she found one she liked. and oh yeah, the selection wasn't very good cuz ucla is on spring break now apparently. oh well. we'll give it a go another time.

oh, and i have a good "great way to finish off the week" story. so i go to epitaph this morning, like i always do on fridays, and as i'm approaching the building, i notice that there are, like, two cars in the lot, whereas its usually full. and then i get to the door, and its locked! and i'm just like, wtf?!?! so at that point, i pretty much figured out that it was closed, but i thought i'd knock anyway. and someone did come out and just looked at me like i was an idiot. he told me that epitaph was, indeed, closed today, and i was just like, "well, no one told me." so yeah, the intern was dissed. but whatever, i came home and slept. that was good. but now i can't believe that it's almost 5:30 already! i have a stupid group meeting at 6. i really don't wanna go. what fucking nerds! our presentation isn't due for like 3 weeks and it's a friday night, for chrissakes! poop. and while i'm laying on the "pity me" stories...i have to work an event tomorrow for KABC at 8am! i really wanted to go to ben's party tonight, but oh well. tina's gonna keep me company, tho. it's definitely a video and ice cream type of night.

posted at 5:28 PM

Thursday, March 28, 2002

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. i can't believe how much this hurts. i mean, i knew it was gonna hurt, but i really had no idea. this hurts soooo much. and i thought the tears had stopped, but any kind of dwelling on this brings them back all too easily. ben, nancy, and tina...you guys rock my socks! thanks so much for your parts in last night. i still feel like shit, but i think i would seriously be in a much worse state if i didn't have you all. i know this will get better. i know i will move on. but right now, there is so much pain inside me, it's really hard not to think that those better times won't come for a long ass time. i woke up with the lightheadedness ben predicted. i'm taking his advice and forcing myself to eat. this bowl of raisin bran is starting to gross me out, though, i've been trying to force it down for like an hour. poop. and my eyes are all puffy. poop again. i think my glasses are doing an ok job of concealing it, though, at least a little.

i'm plagued with all these questions that i really don't want to know the answers to, that probably have no real answers. all the whys and what ifs. i know, i know, it does absolutely no good, but i can't help it. just give me some time.

the trip to westwood is still planned for tonight. i don't know how good of an idea that is in my current state of fucked up emotions, but i really didn't wanna back out. and that other "major" thing (in quotations cuz it really feels like nothing now in comparison to all of the above) is a non-issue now. there was a possibility that on this trip to westwood tonight i was gonna see this person from my past that i hadn't seen in a long time and that i didn't really wanna see. but no, that won't be happening, which is good. at least some awkardness will be avoided tonight.

ok, i'm gonna try really hard to be productive right now.

posted at 11:05 AM

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

i knew this thing would be my downfall. but i suppose it's better to have my feelings all hang out than keep them all bottled up inside like i always have in the past. if you refer back to my first post ever, that was kinda the point of me starting this lil' ol' blog of mine.

ugh! too much stuff happening right now. well, only two things. but they're major. i have to see how they pan out before i can write about it. oh yeah, and the no aim thing--already forgotten. what was i thinking? (and yes, someone noticed! and i even got a phone call as a result of it. i figured that and two days was enough to prove what i needed to prove...whatever that was). eh.

posted at 12:14 AM

Monday, March 25, 2002

now playing: tom waits, mule variations

today at epitaph i was transcribing this long ass tom waits interview...and let me tell ya, that's one strange guy. he spent several minutes talking about crows for chrissakes! about how they're the only birds that can actually tan and how they stand on anthills and let ants cover their entire bodies. ummm, yeah. the way he spoke about it was pretty entertaining, tho. it made me crack a smile, i have to admit. there was also some interesting stuff in there about how he feels about writing songs, how he comes up w/ lyrics and experiments w/ different sounds and such. very cool. and i'm really digging this album. i recommend track #3, "hold on." very mellow. i likie.

i had some of the vodka fetuccini that emily made and i think i'm starting to feel the effects, even tho i only had a little bit. of course, it could just be sleepiness settling in, but my stomach has a little bit of that burning sensation that you get after taking a shot. i also have some weird alcohol breath thing going. hmmm...

i'm gonna try an experiment this week. i will not use aim. the goal is to last all through friday (meaning the first day i'm allowing myself to sign on is saturday). but we'll see how that goes. i don't know what i'm trying to do here. i think i just wanna prove to myself that i can do it, like when i gave up red meat. also, i don't know, i think i'd like to see what happens w/ the people that i usually only communicate through aim, even tho there's no reason for it (we could just as easily pick up the phone). but whatever, i bet no one will even notice. *sigh* god, i just realized how pathetic i sounded just now. my self-esteem just has not been at its usual healthy level lately. blah.

posted at 11:23 PM

i just remembered something that's been going around in my head, but that i seem to forget every time i'm writing a post. it's not that i was looking for a relationship. i'm not one of those that wants a bf just to have one. i'm not afraid of being alone, and in fact, i'm perfectly happy being single...it's always been fun for me. i just always thought that when i found someone i liked, who seemingly liked me, it would all just kinda fall into place. which is why i can't simply decide to find someone else to make myself feel better...i just don't want someone else. if it were only that easy...

posted at 1:05 AM

nothing. still no resolutions. still feeling weird and confused about my "situation." *sigh*

on a different note, i decided to jump on the bandwagon and add a comment box, too. i thought that i'd make it easier for ppl to leave feedback, cuz, you know, clicking on the e-mail link is sooo much more work ('scuse my sarcasm). =) maybe some of you out there can offer some insights/advice/whatever. or you can just be silly or random and entertain me. whatever floats your boat.

posted at 12:20 AM

Sunday, March 24, 2002

this song comes pretty damn close to describing how i'm feeling right now: i want you to want me, by letters to cleo

do what you will with that.

posted at 2:04 AM

now playing: dashboard confessional (yes, again)

i realized that i said in my last post that i would elaborate more on last night, but i don't really think there's much more to say about it. good music, good people, fun dancing...that pretty much covers it. it was definitely fun and i think i'd do it again. =) oh yeah, one thing though, was that it was a little depressing at first, cuz you walk in there and you see all these hot guys, and you know right off the bat that you can't have any of them. it was just so sad that the best selection of guys i have ever seen concentrated in one location were all off limits. =( but once i got over that, it really was a lot of fun.

as for today, the only significant thing i did was go see amelie with scot. he liked it, which i was really happy about, cuz obviously it was my idea and i could totally see some guys writing it off as a chick flick. and plus i really like this movie and was so excited to see it again! it made me feel good, but also kinda sad. where's my happy ending, dammit?!? i've been having so many conflicting feelings about my situation lately...i keep going from trying not to think about it to feeling downright sad about it. i'm just really torn between wanting to know exactly where things stand and being afraid to find out that where they stand is not where i want them to stand. and worse yet, that they'll never stand there. and above it all, i just feel incredibly dumb for letting myself get to this point. there's no one to blame but myself, i shoulda known better than to let myself believe that i had actually found something that could work out right this time. i knew from the beginning that things were not ideal. and yet, here i am. and dammit, this emo really isn't helping at all, but like a moth to a flame...

posted at 1:50 AM

Saturday, March 23, 2002

just got back from tiger heat vs. the beat at the el rey. it was actually really fun. i danced most of the night, obviously, since there weren't many other options open for me there. but i'm glad i went...the music was really good, there were no pervy guys trying to hook up with me, and, well, it was quite an *interesting* environment. very fun to people watch there. i would definitely consider going back sometime. but that's enough for now...am very tired and am ready for sleepy time. will elaborate more on tonight later. on a different note, i see that emily is already in bed, meaning she probably didn't have much success at tim's sex-themed party. too bad...i was really rooting for her. but that's ok, i will make sure good things happen for her next week when i take her to westwood (known to tina and i as the land of plenty). hang in there for one more week, emily!

posted at 3:48 AM

Friday, March 22, 2002

now playing: the promise ring, wood/water

SCORE!!! i finally got offered free merch from my good buddies at epitaph. when andrew (the closest thing to a boss figure i have there) asked me if i wanted cd's, i swear, my eyes lit up and i giggled like a kid in a candy store! that totally made my day. i feel a little greedy now, tho, cuz i realized that i took 15 cd's (including the promise ring album that's currently in my cd player...and that's not even released yet!! how sweet is that?!?). but whatever, i'm sure i'm not the first intern to have taken advantage of such a golden opportunity. oooh, and also, i was informed that i could pretty much get into any show that i want, all i have to do is tell andrew and he'd put me on "the list." i'm so happy...i think i'm gonna cry. =)

emily told me about the new lazy test at the spark...turns out i'm only 30% lazy, which is actually quite shocking to me, cuz i am one lazy bastard, believe you me. but apparently, 84% of the people who've taken the test are lazier than me. go figure.

posted at 8:31 PM

Thursday, March 21, 2002

now playing: hole, live through this (i got into the mood doing my research...good stuff)

i have absolutely no energy right now. this week really kicked my ass...but it's all good cuz now it's over. i get to catch up on sleep now, which is always good. and tomorrow there will be drinking and good ol' gay clubbing fun. there hasn't been any major developments in my life, so there's not much else to talk about for now. i do have some thoughts on a couple of things, but i'm too tired right now to put in the energy to form coherent sentences and junk. i did enough of that for my paper and prospectus this week. i'll save them for another time. i did do some really interesting reading, though, and i thought i'd share. i remembered i had this book that i got a long time ago to read for fun (yeah, can you believe it...reading for fun...who'd a thunk it?), but i never got around to reading it cuz school shit always got in the way. but i remembered while i was doing my research on courtney love that there was some article or something in this book by her, and i flipped through it trying to find it, and came across a bunch of good stuff. the book is called the bust guide to the new girl order, and the little blurb on the cover describes it as "the first word in girl culture from the editors of bust, the magazine for women with something to get off their chests." it's a collection of really funny and interesting, sometimes just totally random writings--very cool. i've only read a few pieces so far, but i'm liking it a lot! i highly recommend it. but anyway, how appropriate that one of the first things that caught my attention was a litte piece called "dont's for boys." it totally taps into so much that i feel about guys...i'm sure most of you girls out there will be able to relate. here's some of my favorites:

"Before we even get to the 'relationship' stage, everyone goes through that awkward should-we-or-shouldn't-we phase. You know, do i like him/her, should i ask him/her out, do I consider him/her a friend or what. The key to this stage is honesty. If you remain honest about your feelings, no one gets hurt. Remember, honesty is the best policy.

*If you like me, ask me out. We're not in high school anymore. If I liked you, I'd ask you out.
*If we go on a first date, and it doesn't go well, don't bother with 'I'll call you.' Leave, gracefully.
*If we fuck on the first date, it doesn't mean I am waiting for an engagement ring to appear on the second date.
*Call when you say you're going to call. Because, otherwise, I will wait for you to call. And that's not nice.
*Don't call me if you haven't gotten over your last girlfriend/boyfriend/mother. I'm not an understudy for a psycho-romantic-drama.
*Don't tell my friends that you think I'm cool and special unless you mean it. Remember the rule of telephone: You tell my friends, they tell me. I end up thinking you're cool and special. Then, when you don't do anything I'll be forced to realize you're not.
*If you're bi, tell me up front. If you're confused about your sexuality, don't take it out on me or get me entangled in your web of confusion. Plus, if I dig it, think of all the fun junk we could do together.
*Don't use the I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship excuse. Cuz then I'll think you're trying to get rid of me by relying on stale, uninspired stock phrases.
*Do not pretend to like me in order to fuck me. If you want to fuck me, tell me. I can engage in sexual discourse without becoming emotionally attached. I can always use a boy toy.
*Don't kiss and tell. But, because I know you will, you slob, do me the favor of not degrading me. If you can remember to mention I'm cool or funny or smart and that you're super lucky to even be telling your friend about my naked-action, you'll at least not be adding insult to the injury.
*Don't be afraid to fall in like with me, you big baby."

ok, i'm tired of typing now. but that was all from the first section, which is called "in the beginning." i might post some stuff from the other sections (there's two more: "the relationship" and "sex") some other time. this is when i wish i had one of those comment thingies that emily and jen put up so i can solicit some response to this little idea of mine. but whatever...i really don't want one other thing to get obsessed about (i know i'd be checking constantly to see if anyone posted anything). and besides, i figure if anyone *really* wants to let me know what they think, they can e-mail or im me. sound good?

posted at 10:45 PM

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

now playing: the impossibles, return (yes, more emo, although this is somewhat more upbeat than dashboard). download this track: never say goodbye...if you like, contact me and i will be more than happy to recommend more

eek! so i got a call today from david...this guy i met at westwood last weekend. i was totally shocked cuz i had completely forgot about him...honestly, i was so drunk that night i barely remember what the guy looks like. although i'll say this, i remember that i wasn't all that interested then, and even less now. he waited, like what, 5 days to call? wtf?!? whatever! although i felt kinda bad at first, cuz i totally blew him off cuz he called me in the middle of my dinner, and i said, "i'm in the middle of something, i'll call you back." and then as soon as i hung up the phone, i was like, doh! why did i say that? i totally don't wanna call him back cuz, like i said, i'm just not interested. but then i felt obligated to call him cuz i said i would, and plus, i don't know, i thought it might be a good idea to just call and be straight about it, and not leave him hanging, you know? but then i remembered the last time i had to give that little "not interested" speech to someone, and it was just so awkward! i'm just such a weenie when it comes to letting guys down. i'm just too nice. so anyway, i sought the advice of ben, since he's a pretty reasonable guy and he's always looking for material for his show anyway (rough but tender, on kscr), and this is what transpired:

grnbaum19: don't call him back
grnbaum19: he'll get the idea
FreakinWeirdo213: are you sure?
grnbaum19: yup
grnbaum19: happens to all of us guys
FreakinWeirdo213: oh, i'm sorry
grnbaum19: no prob, yeah it sucks
grnbaum19: but if a girl isn't interested we don't want to be played with
FreakinWeirdo213: are you sure that's better than being straight w/ him and just saying, ok, you're a cool guy, i'm just not interested?
grnbaum19: yep
FreakinWeirdo213: ok
grnbaum19: if you can say that to him then do it
grnbaum19: but most girls can't say that
grnbaum19: thats why its typically better than playing games
FreakinWeirdo213: what if he calls me back?
grnbaum19: well i change my mind
grnbaum19: tell him that you're not interested
grnbaum19: then he won't call back, and if he's a clingy bitch he will get the picture much more quickly
FreakinWeirdo213: ah fuck...it's easier to just not call
grnbaum19: thats what i'm telling you
FreakinWeirdo213: ok, so what are you saying...call him or not?
grnbaum19: if you can tell him the uninterested thing, call him
grnbaum19: if you can't, don't call back

so i think i decided to not call him back. it's just easier that way, and more than likely he'll get the hint. and i don't feel so bad now cuz, apparently, it happens all the time, and it is better than playing games. and a hell of a lot easier than trying to let someone down *nicely* (if that's even possible). so yeah, conflict resolved. and if this was the wrong thing to do, well then, i lay all responsibility on ben!

ok, must write my prospectus now. oh yeah, i decided to write on courtney love...there just wasn't enough material on bowie. s'ok though...love should still be interesting.

posted at 9:24 PM

i can't decide who i want to write about for my paper in my "gender in media industries and products" class...the professor gave us a list of people, tv shows, and networks to chose from and i've narrowed it down to either courtney love or david bowie. i'd probably prefer to do david bowie, cuz he'd be more interesting in terms of studying gender cuz of his whole ziggy stardust phase and the whole play w/ androgyny and stuff. but i don't know how much research i'd be able to find on him...it'll probably come down to who i can find more stuff on. i have to fill a whole ten pages with this stuff, after all. but at least this paper seems interesting to me, unlike the others i've had to write this semester. this one seems a bit more challenging, though. check this shit out: "the purpose of the paper is to examine the way a particular celebrity, television show, or cable television network is constructed by the popular media and the so-called industry 'publicity machine' or discourse that surrounds it...how do you think a given media industry and popular press 'produces' or 'constructs' gender for its audience?...you will need to analyze the popular media's representation and interpretation of your chosen topic. further, you should consider whether certain strategies used by the popular media support, legitimate, or resist dominant notions of gender produced by media industries and their products..." and it goes on like this. i swear, this is probably the longest, most detailed paper assignment sheet that i've ever had, but i suppose that's a good thing. i like the guidelines and structure. i really like the class, too. we're always "analyzing" media examples (ie: watching clips from movies and tv). it's probably the only class i'm taking this semester that i don't dread going to each week. and the professor was nice enough to write me a recommendation for the renaissance scholar competition (still crossing my fingers on that).

i should really be researching that paper now, but i'm at work (at the advising office on campus), and we have this big window that faces out onto trousdale and i find myself constantly looking out, just people watching. i've already spotted two really cute guys. yum! ok...focus, jessica, focus!

posted at 12:28 PM

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

now playing: rose for bohdan, some promo disc that joy gave me to promote their upcoming show at california institute of abnormal arts (it's very strange--kind of a mix of air, in its experimental nature, and the moldy peaches, in its quirkiness--not recommended for the faint of heart)

my brain is totally fried. i got like maybe three hours of sleep last night--i stayed up way too late and got up way too early to finish that stupid paper for my american media and entertainment industries class. if it's even possible, i think it came out even worse than the last paper i wrote. but i honestly don't even care at this point. i'm just so glad that i only have one more paper to write ever for school!! i should be doing research for that one right now, actually, a detailed prospectus for it is due this thursday...but i'm just so tired. as usual, i will leave it to my procrastinating ways. i'll be cursing myself tomorrow night, i'm sure, but for now i'll just enjoy my sleep, thankyouverymuch. oh, and gay clubbing is on for this weekend! hehe, that'll be an experience. good times!

posted at 10:55 PM

Monday, March 18, 2002

ok, so a little conversation emily and i had got me thinking about my "number." now, i don't really think it's that high, but it always surprises me when i find out that certain other people's are, well, significantly lower. or for that matter, when i realize that i seem to have detached myself from my virginity a lot sooner than most of the people i know (yes, "detached", i hate the term "lost your virginity"...it's not like you wake up one day and think, "oh, now where did that virginity of mine go?"...there is a choice involved, people!). so i decided to take the spark's slut test again, and well, here it is:



according to them, being 52% slutty "technically makes you a slut. the worldwide average is only 46%." so, um, yeah. actually, despite the fact that i only know one person with a higher slut score than me, i really have no concerns about this. i have no regrets--i'm perfectly comfortable with the choices i've made. now, that doesn't mean that i'm gonna advertise my experience (did you really think i was going to post my number here?). after all, that's still a pretty personal thing (although it really doesn't take that much to get me to come out with it).

anyway, i have to finish writing another freakin research paper now. *pout*

posted at 10:42 PM

Sunday, March 17, 2002

now playing: dashboard confessional, the places you have come to fear the most (yes, it's back)

ah, dashboard. i don't think it's possible to get any more emo than that. i really don't know if i should be listening to it now, though...can it really make me feel better listening to these sad, sad songs? one thing's for sure, this stuff's fitting my mood so perfectly, it's almost eerie. case in point, from saints and sailors:

no one should ever feel the way that I feel now
a walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better
waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice

ugh! what is up with all this heartbreak and nonsense? jen brought up the question of why it is that most guys don't seem to want relationships, and much as i hate to admit it, i can understand it cuz i've been there. well, at least to a certain extent. i've totally just wanted to play the field for a while, to take advantage of being young, knowing that this skanky behavior wouldn't be acceptable as i got older. but with me, and maybe this is different than the way most guys think (i wouldn't know since i'm not a guy), i've always kept an open mind about the possibility of getting into a relationship. i don't know if that makes any sense, but it's like, even though i told myself that i'm not looking for anything and that i'm just having too much fun being single to give it up, if i ever met someone who i clicked with, who i liked, i wouldn't automatically think, "ok, i'm never gonna commit to this person cuz i'm just not looking for a relationship." i'd give things a chance, and that's how i ended up being w/ my last boyfriend for over a year. i met him at a time when i was very anti-commitment (i had only been broken up w/ the boyfriend before him, who i dated for three years, for like three months), and i was having the best time just playing the field and i totally did not expect things to get as serious as they did, but they did and i don't regret it at all. cuz at least then i knew, that it wasn't meant to be, and not have to wonder for the rest of my life if that could've been "the one." i think i'm more afraid of ruining things with someone that it could've been great with than i am of "missing out" or whatever by being "tied down with someone." but i guess that's just me. who knows what's up with all these stupid boys.

posted at 10:31 AM

Saturday, March 16, 2002

now playing: pete yorn, musicforthemorningafter (one of my favorite albums from last year)

ah, westwood, always getting me into trouble. tina, joy, andrea, and i ended up going to maloney's last night, and of course i drank too much and ended up getting kinda sick. but it was fun up until that point. the guys were plentiful as always, and i think all of us scored free drinks and some numbers (except for joy, of course, cuz she was the designated driver and cuz she has a boyfriend). i keep telling emily about all my adventures there and she says she really wants to go. so i said i'd take her, she just has to say when. i feel kind of afraid, though. i don't know what i'm gonna do if these guys ever call (actually, i think i only gave my number to one guy). but yeah, i'm still finding that i'm just not getting interested in other guys at all. i'm still hung up on this one guy (i know that anybody who knows me that's reading this prolly knows who i'm talking about, but whatever...not mentioning names means i can deny this later). fuck!!! am i being pathetic? i just don't know what to do. i keep going back and forth about what i feel and what i want. and i keep coming to no conclusions. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck...

putting that aside for now, i went home for a while today to spend some time with my mom cuz it's her birthday tomorrow. i woulda gone tomorrow but she has to work (sucks, huh?), and there's no point in me being there if she's not. anyway, aside from the fact that she kept trying to feed me meat (i don't really consider myself vegetarian...i still eat chicken, i just chose to give up beef and pork to try to be more healthy since i don't really like either very much...it's more like a will power thing, and i've been doing really well!!), it was good times with my mom. my sisters and i couldn't decide what to get her, so i decided to just straight out ask her. of course she said that it doesn't matter, blah blah, so we're just taking her shopping next week and letting her pick out something...it's really the only way to go. i was just telling ryan how parents are so hard to shop for, because after a while, what else can you give them? you end up getting them the same thing over and over...between my sisters and i, we've given my mom so many bottles of perfumes, it's ridiculous! so now my sisters and i always pool our money and instead of getting our parents a bunch of crappy little presents, we give them one nice big one...it also cuts down on the repetition. so that was pretty much my day...i should really go do some work now...poo.

posted at 8:16 PM

Friday, March 15, 2002

now playing: radiohead, ok computer (i haven't listened to this cd in a looong time, i forgot how damn good it is...if you don't already own it, go out and buy it!)

i'm getting more excited about my internship at epitaph. today i started to really get to know some of the people that i work with (mostly the other interns), and they're all really cool. this one guy especially, benny, is really funny. at one point, he pulled out a copy of the onion and said, "man, i used to think the onion was a real newspaper...i used to read all this stuff and think, damn, this shit's really fucked up." that made all of us crack up! oh and get this, he's in this band called the retard five...and there's only four of them. hahaha. i thought that was the most freakin hilarious thing ever. good times at epitaph. still no free stuff, though. =( but i'm confident that it's coming, benny and this other intern, analisa, were both talking about shows that they've gotten tickets for and other merch that they've gotten. i just have to be patient. i think i can handle it.

whoa...i just looked outside the window and there's this cool aurora thing going on (i think that's what it's called, if i remember correctly from astronomy 100, GE category 3, that i took way back freshman year). it looks kinda like a rainbow, but at night. very cool.

i just talked to my older sister a little while ago, and she told me that her family's moving to arizona! that's big news...she currently lives in new hampshire, so this means she'll only be like 4 hours away now. i'm so excited for them. i know she and her husband are really happy about it, and although my nephew is understandably concerned (he's 8 years old), i'm sure he'll get used to the idea. oh, and while i was talking to her, she reminded me that brissa (my 20 year old younger sister, who also lives in new hampshire) will have been married for one year next month. crazy. i remember all the drama that went on when she told us she had decided to get married. not pretty.

ugh...i still haven't gotten too much school work done. i did a little reading last night, but that's it. fuck. whatever...with only two months of school left, why ruin my perfect record of procrastination now? things will get done when they need to be. it's all good. ok, i gotta go figure out what i'm doing tonight. tina, joy, and i are going out...we just don't know where we're going or what we're doing, doh!

posted at 7:27 PM

Thursday, March 14, 2002

now playing: tenacious d, s/t (i had to stop w/ dashboard cuz i was bordering on overkill and i don't wanna ruin it for myself...really good album, though)

whoa, i can't believe it's thursday already. what the hell happened to the week? i still haven't done any of the school work that i wanted to get done. damn. i should really get started on some of that. and i will...right after this post. =)

i finally talked to ryan last night (on aim)...the first time since THAT TIME. i was afraid things would be weird, but everything seems to be cool between us. glad about that. he's the first guy i ever crossed that friend line with, and i was afraid that we wouldn't be able to stay friends (cuz of that weirdness factor, you know?). although neither of us brought that night up, our little aim chat was cool, not awkward at all, so i'm thinking that when i see him again in person, it should be fine. i think we're both on the same page about this...i'd rather stay friends and just kinda never bring up that misguided hook-up again. but anyway, dashboard came up while i was talking to him, and i was completely shocked when he told me that first of all, there's a video for screaming infidelities, and second, that it's on trl. wtf?!?!? that just seems so strange to me. the two seem so fundamentally incompatable...it'd be one thing if it was mtv2, but it's on freakin trl! now, don't get me wrong, i'm not one of those that go around screaming "sell-out" to all my favorite indie bands that make it, it's just so strange is all. like i told jen, this all reminded me of how i felt the first time i heard saves the day (and now that i think about it, at the drive in, too, way back when) on kroq. hehe, i hope that if they ever start playing dashboard on the radio, i'm not in my car when i first hear it, cuz i'd seriously crash out of sheer shock and disbelief. but yeah, none of this means that i'm gonna start liking dashboard any less. i'm kinda excited, actually. just not completely over the shock. not yet.

i do feel a lot better today, though, in terms of my cold. i still have a runny nose, but not nearly as bad as it's been (my poor nose was starting to chafe from all that blowing, ugh!). and my voice is doing this weird thing now, not the sexy low-pitched thing that usually happens when you're sick, but that crazy half here/half gone borderline laryngitis thing. but whatever, otherwise i feel fine. so no excuses to not do my work anymore! (yeah right) but before i go, i took the human for sale survey, and i found out i'm worth exactly $1,703,060.00. not bad, i think.

posted at 5:49 PM

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

still playing: dashboard, baby, dashboard

i ended up not seeing amelie last night, either, but i did find someone to hang out with. omar was nice enough to go the movies with me, even though i was still sick and probably spread my cooties all over him. we ended up going to the century city amc to see i am sam cuz i remembered i still had my free movie passes that i got from the advising office a long ass time ago and never used. i figured i better use them before they expired. besides, i think amelie still has this "date movie" vibe for me (that's what rick and i saw on our first date!), and it was awkward enough trying to keep things on a platonic level with omar given our previous history. i think i forgot that he and i were always just about fooling around, and never much about conversing (which is so odd because we could chat forever online, and be really entertaining to each other, but when it came to being together in real life, it just did not seem to work beyond a physical level...go figure). so i think i will no longer be hanging out with omar...it's just too weird now...this is the guy brigette and i dubbed "booty call boy," after all. that in itself implies how there was never really much there. he's still cool to chat with online, though, so i will keep in touch with him that way, and leave things at that.

i had a pretty productive day today. went to work, went to see my career advisor, and did some apartment hunting with tina. i had forgotten how much i liked my job at the advising office. the ppl were always cool, and we always get free food! i left when i got my internship at kabc radio cuz they required me to work 20 hours a week, and plus they were paying me and so i didn't need the money. but then when that internship ended, the only other internships i could find were unpaid, and so i decided to go back and work there a few hours a week (i'm so glad they let me come back!). it's so laid back there, it never really feels like work. i swear, i go and i chat online and do my homework. and they pay me! how sweet is that?!? the career stuff is coming along. the advisor said i should line up some informational interviews with usc grads already working in the music industry and try to build some connections that way, to let them know that i'm looking so hopefully they'd let me know if they hear of any openings anywhere. i hope that works, cuz all my searches on monster and other such sites have been really disappointing so far. eek! i hope this job thing picks up soon...i dunno how much longer i can cling to these last bits of optimism i managed to work up. but the apartment hunt looks promising. i was so afraid we wouldn't be able to find anything affordable that wasn't a wreck. but it looks like tina won't have to live in a two bedroom cardboard box. *whew*. we're hoping to start looking at places by the end of the month.

joy's back from her trip to san francisco now, meaning i don't have the apartment to myself anymore, but also meaning that i don't have to mope around here as i tend to do whenever i'm left to my own devices. i never really realized how much i need to have people around. guess i never had opportunities to really be alone while growing up, coming from a large family as i did (4 sisters, 2 parents, 1 dog, and me). and, obviously, tina got back, too, from whatever stuff she had to take care of at home. no more excuses to be bored!

posted at 10:11 PM

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

still playing: dashboard confessional (this baby's on repeat)

success! blogger finally started working again and i was able to post this new picture of me that rick just gave me last friday before he left for break. it came out really well, i think. it's much more dramatic and artsy than the plain old boring one that i had up before. i like it a lot.

still no one to go to the movies with tonight, and it turns out that y tu mama tambien doesn't start til friday. bummer. i'd still go see amelie, though...that is, if ANYONE is willing to go with me. i don't wanna stay at home again tonight, all alone on spring break. this blows!

posted at 4:27 PM

now playing: dashboard confessional, the places you have come to fear the most

hmmm...i wanted to change my picture on this thing, but apparently, i don't have access to my template. the template box on that page is just blank. strange, and a little frustrating. oh well, i'll leave that for another time. and i'm bummed, too, that i didn't get to post anything yesterday. first of all, i woke up feeling sooooo terrible, i couldn't even go to work (at epitaph, i mean). i felt so bad that i already had to miss, i only started there last week! oh well, what can you do? so i spent most of the first part of the day in bed, unable to move (in fact, almost unable to breathe). then i forced myself out of bed, and decided to go to the grocery store, figuring that some kind of physical activity would snap me out of my funk. oh and get this, i fucking forgot my ralphs card and had to pay full price on everything. good one, jessica. but the nice man said that if i brought my receipt with my card the next time i went, they would give me back my money. so that wasn't that big of a screw-up, i guess. but once i got back, i tried going online, and my internet just was not working (even though it had worked earlier). so yeah, all these circumstances combined to prevent me from posting to my blog yesterday, breaking my really good streak of posting everyday. *sigh* but whatever. again, what can you do?

i felt sooo much better today, though. i'm still pretty sick, but i felt well enough to go to work this morning (at my campus job). and then i even went to the career advisors at my department and made myself an appointment to go over my resume and to figure out how to go about getting a job lined up for when i graduate. the fact that i only have two months left in college finally sunk in, so i have to get crackin on this. if the one month mark rolls around and there's still no progress, then that's when i'll go into full-blown panic mode. but for now, i'm ok. i just need to keep up with school. after the end of next week, things won't be so bad--i'll have turned in another paper and will only have one left (yeay!). and then a couple more easy midterms (both multiple choice, sweet!), and then finals. and then i'll be all done with school for good. whoa. exciting yet scary. ok, i'm gonna go do some catch-up reading, and then hopefully start on researching one of my papers. and then i'm hoping that i can find someone to go out to a movie with me tonight. i really need to get out of the apartment...i feel so isolated. i'm thinking either amelie (for the second time...such a good movie) or y tu mama tambien. but we'll see...there's not that many people around to go out with. to quote brigette, "this blows."

posted at 1:51 PM

Sunday, March 10, 2002

now playing: tenacious d, random songs that i downloaded

FUCK!! now i'm sick. just what i needed to top off this already kickin' spring break (not!). blah. now how am i supposed to do all the stuff i'm supposed to do if i feel like shit? oh well, just can't. i'm gonna have to medicate myself and crash...just sleep until i feel better. yes. that sounds good. i would write more, but nothing's really happened, and even if it had, don't know that i could get it out in any sort of sense seeing as my brain is mush right now (a combination of my cold and the "grape elixir" that i just took). oh dear. must get to bed. that took a really long time to type, by the way, in my current state. i feel like that kid in malcolm in the middle that needs to take a breath after every word. ohhh...this isn't good...i hate being sick. sadness. =(

posted at 11:21 PM

Saturday, March 09, 2002

now playing: ben folds, rockin' the suburbs

i went over to rick's last night meaning to have another "talk"--basically saying that i really liked him and that although i had hoped for something more between us, i had pretty much accepted that he didn't feel the same way. i was gonna say that if we both knew that things were gonna end eventually, we should just get it outta the way already, and just be friends. but then i totally lost my nerve! being with him last night, i just realized that i really like spending time with him. last night was really really great, actually. we stayed up til like 5am, just talking, and *stuff*. and i dunno, i actually didn't feel consumed by all these confused feelings that i've been having about us for a while. all this going back and forth about whether i wanna keep seeing him even though i know that he probably doesn't feel as strongly about me as i do about him. but i'm thinking that he's the type of guy that i could totally be friends with after this romantic/physical part of the relationship (or whatever you wanna call it) ends. so i figure, why not just enjoy this while it lasts? yeah, we'll probably decide to stop seeing each other once i graduate in two months, and yeah, it'll probably hurt...but why would i wanna throw away this good thing that i have with this really great guy? so yeah, i guess things will remain the same...we're "seeing each other," but there's no real commitment or exclusivity (which means i can still work it at the bars to score some free drinks!). i think i'm finally ok with that. go me!

ok, now i'm off to spend some time at home (east la home, not usc home). i figure things are gonna be very uneventful around here since everyone has gone off somewhere for spring break. might as well go where i can score some free food. god, i miss my mom's cooking! mmmmmm.

posted at 3:37 PM

Friday, March 08, 2002

now playing: jimmy eat world, what was supposed to be bleed american but is now just s/t cuz dreamworks got all fussy

hehe. looks like i started somewhat of a trend w/ this blog thing. emily has one now, too, and i've been very much enjoying jen's blog. good job girls! i have to admit i've become somewhat addicted to this little blog of mine. whenever something happens, i think, "hey, this is good stuff for my blog." but whatever, it's not like all that many people are reading this thing anyway. i have a sneaking suspicion that most of the hits on my counter are from me. that's ok. this thing is mostly for me anyway. although i hope anyone actually reading this gets some form of entertainment out of it (even if it's just a voyeuristic kick).

so everyone is all excited about spring break, and i'm so jealous cuz i'm doing squat shit. oh wait, that's not true. i'm working (at both my jobs), i'm writing a paper that's due the tuesday after break, AND i have to research another paper for which i have to have a 5 page prospectus written by the thurs after break. how fucked up is that? the only thing keeping my sanity at this point is the thought that these are the last two papers that i have to write for school...EVER (unless i decide to go to graduate school at some point, which is highly unlikely seeing as i hate school so much). at least i get to catch up on my sleep. there won't be any partying going on since everyone's gonna be gone. i'll probably gather up tina, though, and hit the bars. i need to let loose somehow...i'm determined to enjoy this break even though i have so much work to do. sounds like a plan. ok, right now i am in serious need of a nap. ahhh, wonderful, glorious sleep.

posted at 5:41 PM

Thursday, March 07, 2002

this is sooo fucking hilarious...


Which Winona Are You?

good stuff. but now i must go off and write my renaissance scholars app. =( i'm just so burnt out on writing right now. why can't they just freely give out ten thousand dollars? what's this making you compete for it and shit?!? oh well...wish me luck!

posted at 10:33 PM

now playing: something corporate, audioboxer

damn, walking by is such a good song (too bad the rest of this cd is just ok). but anyway, i just realized that anthony from the party last friday never called me. hehe, i guess i didn't do too good of a job of hiding my disinterest (i must've gone to the bathroom like 5 times while talking to him). why did he ask for my number, then, i wonder? oh well. nice guy, just not for me. glad i don't have to say that to his face, tho. now that i think about it, fernando (from the same party) never called me either. jose, my friend that introduced me to him, must've realized i was just trying to be nice and talked him out of it (i hope!). i'm just so bad. i should really just learn to tell boys when i'm not interested. brutal honesty instead of trying to be nice is the way to go, i'm starting to think. random thoughts aside, i'm still finishing up that paper. i decided at about 3am last night that sleep would be a good thing. but it's ok, you see, cuz i only have 2 pages to go. and so much time to finish...i skipped my hours at work this morning, am planning to skip my web design class again (that goes without saying), and might even skip muin 280 (the class this paper's for), since we only have to e-mail it and not turn in a hard copy. we'll see. if my bed doesn't tempt me too much when i'm done with this god-awful thing, i might just go.

posted at 10:34 AM

Wednesday, March 06, 2002

now playing: nothing but the voices in my head

ok, it's about a quarter after 11, and i have about four pages done now...that's not too bad. definitely not as horrible an experience as i thought it was gonna be. oh, i still think this paper's crap, but at least i'm not worried anymore about getting it done in time. i might even get some sleep tonight...go me! i'm a little relieved that the plans to go to tiger beat (or tiger heat, or whatever that club's called) tomorrow with tina and gary fell through. i still really wanna go sometime, but this week has been such a bitch. tomorrow night i get to stay up again to write my renaissance scholars essay. and that one HAS to be good...we're talking $10 G's on the line. i just hope i find some inspiration between now and then. i really want that money!!!

posted at 11:26 PM

now playing: magnolia soundtrack

hmmm. i better change this cd...not exactly the kind of music that's gonna keep me upbeat and enthusiastic on writing this paper. don't really know if any such music exists, but there's gotta be something better than this. oh god, this paper's seriously gonna kill me. i totally picked the wrong topic to write about...the effects of new technologies in the history and the future of radio. i have so many books and articles, but none of them are really getting at what i want to say. i really don't even care what grade i get on this paper. i just wanna get it done and have it over with, but i'm having such a hard time not being scared shitless that i won't have it done in time...it's giving me serious writer's block. ugh!!! i even skipped most of my hours at work today, and what do i have to show for it? only one freakin paragraph! i am just such a masochist, i always end up waiting til the last minute, and i'm always tortured by it...when will i ever learn? thank god i only have two more papers (besides this one, that is) to write...EVER!!! and then i will be done with school, and then i will be sooo happy. ok, i should go and try to write...it's gonna be the worst piece of crap i've ever produced, i'm sure. but i just DON'T CARE.

posted at 4:49 PM

Tuesday, March 05, 2002

now playing: smashing pumpkins, mellon collie and the infinite sadness (dawn to dusk)

ok, i'm kinda bummed that no one's really noticed my new haircut. well, i guess susie noticed at the party on friday (which was very nice of her), and rick kinda noticed, too (he said, "your hair looks different," but didn't realize why til i told him). but everyone else is just like, "it looks the same, just shorter." damn curly hair!! that's the last time i wait two weeks for a fancy-schmancy hair appointment. it's supercuts all the way for me, baby! it always ends up looking the same anyway. oh well. now i'm debating whether i should dye my hair again or not. i told myself that i wouldn't cuz it's damaged enough as it is, but this old dye job that's all faded out is really starting to bother me. i was thinking black again...seems to fit my current mood. but then again, probably not. upkeep's a bitch, especially for my lazy ass. and anyway, i'm so broke right now that i can't help thinking of the $7 i would spend on a bottle of hair dye in terms of how many meals i could afford to buy with it. it's so sad, last week i was seriously considering eating moldy bread, thinking to myself, "if i just cut out the bad parts..." in the end, i just went and bought more groceries. i gotta say, though, it hurt to throw out a whole half a loaf.

so here i am talking about haircuts and moldy bread, when i should be writing my paper. actually, i should be in my webpage design class, now that i think about it. i guess ever since i decided that i'm dropping it, i can't make myself put in the effort to actually go to it. the original plan was to keep going til the last day i could drop it and still get a "w" instead of a "fail." that way i could keep going and learn cool stuff but not have to worry about the final project, when i know i'll be too busy with my other classes. but oh well. even without that class, i still go for almost 7 straight hours of classes on tuesdays and thursdays...what was i thinking taking an elective?!?!? but anyway...8 page research paper, due this thursday. i still only have two sentences and i still haven't finished going through all my research...i'm so fucked. grrr.

posted at 1:37 PM

Monday, March 04, 2002

i started my (unpaid) internship at epitaph today. it's not as exciting as i expected, but it's ok, i suppose. the people are cool, and the music rocks, of course...even if i didn't get offered any free stuff. =( it's ok, i still have hopes. shit, it was part of the job description, so they better cough up the free merch! but anyway, i really hope that this doesn't turn out to be a disillusioning experience. i've wavered so much on whether i really want to go into music just cuz i know how difficult it can be to make a decent living off of this crazy industry. i don't know if i could handle a meaningless internship at this point. but for now, i'm still optimistic. so what if i work 25 hours a week now (a combo from epitaph and my work-study job on campus that allows me to be able to feed myself and what-not)? so what if i'm so busy with school and work that i haven't really started looking for a *real* job for when i graduate in may? so what that i'm way stressed at this point due to the fact that i have a research paper due on thursday and i still only have all of two sentences written for it? ok, that one was a bit much. i better stop now before i lose any more of my newly acquired optimism. on the up-side, all of this school and job related stress keeps me from thinking (too much) about my boy situation. at least until the weekend...damn.

posted at 6:34 PM

Sunday, March 03, 2002

i think i should just swear off guys. they only leave me feeling confused and just plain weird...mixed feelings of sadness, frustration, guilt, etc. i've been trying to make myself feel better from recent heartache and my usual method of fooling around with different guys has only left me feeling kinda slutty. i don't feel better at all. i want someone who doesn't want me back (at least not as much as i want him), and i want so badly to get over it. i just don't know how to go about doing that. my apologies to the boys who i've led on in my mostly drunk/confused/heartbroken state.

posted at 2:38 PM

Saturday, March 02, 2002

so yeah. this is it. my very own blog. why, you ask? i dunno. i've always been an intensely private person, keeping most things inside. none of that "sharing your feelings" crap for me. it's hard. don't really know why. oh yeah, making yourself completely and utterly vulnerable to someone by letting it all out is kinda scary. there are maybe two people in this world that i am comfortable enough with to tell everything to. although i love them, sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. so here i am, ready to expose myself to all of cyberspace, in hopes of finding others who can relate, who can say, "yeah, i've been there," and who'll maybe get a kick out of all my hijinks and antics. makes me feel better already.

posted at 7:28 PM