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where it all ends
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horrible realization: just two more birthdays til i'm out of mtv's key demographic. god, realizing that made me feel old. not so slowly creeping into my mid-20's. and now i'll never be on the real world!! =( posted at 2:46 PM ok, so i dipped into some depression there for a moment, but now i feel a lot better thanks to a good heart to heart. =) the anger and the hurt has subsided for now. i mean, i can foresee myself having some mood swings in the future, sure, but i don't think they'll be quite as violent or as likely to be sparked by the dumbest little things how they have been. a good step forward, i think. posted at 7:12 PM i'm tired of feeling so messed up inside all the time. can someone please fix me? posted at 6:58 PM oh my god, i LOVE this song... "Maps" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs Pack up I've strayed Enough Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Wait, they don't love you like i love you Wait, they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Made off Don't stray My kind's your kind I'll stay the same Pack up Don't stray Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Wait! they don't love you like i love you Wait! they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-aps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Wait! they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-aps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Wait, they don't love you like i love you Wait, they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... Wait, they don't love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don't love you like i love you... everyone do yourself a favor and download this song. right now. the lyrics really aren't the draw, but it's just an awesome song to listen to. seriously. it's been a long time since a song has motivated me to tell everyone to listen to it. it's really really good. trust me. posted at 5:14 PM haha, i'm drinking champagne and eating cocktail weenies w/ jordan! it's so ridiculous and yet fun. now that's a way to spend a sunday afternoon. ;) and last night was pretty fun, too. laid back, and not terribly bitter. man, the brownies we made were good! and they weren't even "special" or anything. just a lot of fudgey goodness. we have a lot left over, too, so if anyone wants some, come and visit us! man, and i really wanna see love actually now. i mean, i've been wanting to see it for a long time, but jordan and carolyn kept talking about it last night, so i especially want to see it now, even though i know i'd probably be bawling at everything. *sigh* i'll just make sure to put it on the netflix list when it comes out. posted at 3:49 PM haha, gotta love jordan for coming up w/ a kickass v-day plan: "I want to pool together and drink French champagne, eat fatty foods, maybe an Ice Cream sunday and cake and brownies (being single there are no worries of being a fatty and food will always be my second love, even when I have a real one), and watching crap love movies." so that's what we're pretty much setting out to do. we'll probably bitch a bit more as well. all in good stride, though. i think a few others will join us as well. and so it should be a pretty cool evening. we spent the afternoon out as well, cuz jordan wanted to watch love actually tonight, and since it's not playing in theaters anymore, really, and it's not quite out on video/dvd yet, he wanted to try to find a pirated copy downtown. so we went and walked around for a while, found lots of nice gentlemen selling items of interest from their lovely boxes, but alas, did not find anyone selling love actually. we'll find something else to watch, though, i'm sure. so then we decided to get something to eat, and jordan took us (his friend, nigenda, was w/ us as well) to this peruvian restaurant near chinatown. they even had some traditional peruvian musicians there. so that was pretty cool. the food was really good and cheap, too. =) we went out last night, too. him, me, nigenda, and another of jordan's friends, carolyn. we decided to go bowling, and we ended up at that cheap bowling place we always go to, which turned out to be cosmic bowling night. and it was fun. although, the cosmic part of it didn't really seem to be anything special (at least not at this place, just some black lights, really). hehe, it was still fun. bowling is always fun. =) so yeah, we've just been chillin' since we got back. jordan just left to buy some more food for tonight, and i just put some brownies in the oven. i'm usually not a comfort eater, but for tonight, that sounds just about right. let's see, what else? um, i also hung out w/ chris a couple times last week. that was nice. we really don't hang out enough, but i guess that can't be helped since he's always off here and there working on different movies. and now he's leaving again for another european trip. lucky! so i think we're gonna try to hang out at least one more time before he leaves again towards the end of this month. which i guess is just a couple weeks. but anyway, it's nice that things are back on track with him. we're not letting the friendship fall by the wayside. on the being single front, everyone keeps saying that it's not so bad. and i already know this. the negative feelings i'm working through right now are not so much about being single as they are about being broken-hearted. and sorry, but i do hold rick responsible for a large part of that. and so if i've done or said anything that's gotten him upset or angry, frankly, i don't care. if my defense mechanisms have me lashing out at him, well, i think i can forgive myself for it, cuz i'm just trying to cope. and it's not that i'm being vindictive or anything, i'm just tired of holding it all inside and having it eat away at me. so yes, like i told rick, i'm not gonna hold back what i feel when i feel it just to make things easier for HIM, when things are hard enough for ME. it's time to look out for #1, and i think that's fairly reasonable. posted at 8:29 PM yes, rick and i broke up. and for those that have been reading the comments i've been leaving on jen's blog, you probably already figured out that yes, i am bitter. frustrated and angry, too. can't help it. but honestly, i guess i'd rather be feeling all those things than be feeling how i did on any of the last times we broke up, "took a break", or what have you (yeah, it's been pretty fucking ridiculous...why did i ever let myself get attached?!?). back then i felt just broken. completely and utterly hurt. well, fuck that!! i'm moving on!! posted at 10:33 AM
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